Note: This is my first article on Living Undaunted on the topic of Healing the Mother Wound and gradually moving into the integration phase of that work.
I just wanted to thank you for this beautiful article.
Over the past few days, I’ve had a major realization about my relationship with my mother and my family : for much of my life, I unconsciously believed I had to keep suffering in order to stay emotionally connected to my mother.
Whenever I called her, I often felt compelled to tell her something was wrong with me (usually a health issue that I would even exaggerate or invent !). It was as if I needed to reassure her: « Look, Mom, I’m living my life away from you… but not too much, so don’t feel left behind ». I was carrying a deep sense of guilt about outgrowing my family’s suffering. It felt almost disloyal to aspire to be simply okay.
I also realized that when I shared a problem with my mother, I felt something I rarely experienced otherwise: her attention and in a way, her validation. Looking back, I unconsciously learned that my suffering was one of the safest way to stay emotionally connected to her.
Thank you for the depth and clarity you bring to this work. It is changing lives, including mine. I first enrolled in your online course back in 2019 and it opened the first door to my healing journey ✨
Dear Aida, Thanks so much for taking the time to read and leave a comment. You are having such powerful clarity about the dynamic with your mom. It's a wonderful thing to be conscious of something that felt vague, painful. And it can bring up the grief as well. It's so sad that so many of our mothers don't know how to connect with their daughters in the context of joy, celebration, and confidence. The good news is that we can fill that "mother gap" over time as the loving inner mother to the inner child. I'm so glad to hear your healing journey continues to deepen into new layers since joining the course. Sending you much love!
Oi,if I don't own it, she can't steal it from me is the way to describe my hiding and fear around my mother. When I shined in school, she stopped being helpful. When I got sober & told her, she said how could you do this to me. When I looked good, she shamed me.
Dear Jil, thank so much for your comment. It sounds like your mother indeed fit this pattern precisely. From what you shared, she saw your "up" as her "down". What's more, she appears to have felt entitled to your servitude and saw your shining or flourishing (and even healthy choices, like getting sober) as a devastating abandonment or personal attack on her as your mother. I'm so glad you can see it for what it is. That is really so important because we can see it's her own projected pain, not reality or the truth.
When I was in early sobriety my mother just commented: "But you’re not following the rules“ (because I drank nonalcoholic beer against old school AA dogma). This was when I visited her while she was in rehab for the second time for her own alcohol use disorder and after she had told me that she wouldn’t quit drinking "on special occasions“. It broke my codependent heart that she had no intention to recover and that I couldn’t save her even by being a role model for her. After that visit she basically disowned me and thereby gave me permission to go no contact and focus on my recovery.
Thank you, this feels very relevant to me. In hindsight I see how I actively demonized and sabotaged myself to be 'good' for such a long time. They saw it clearly, and encouraged it. But now that I can see, name and observe it in action, I can detach from their projections and choose differently. It feels very uncomfortable and unfamiliar to do so, each time, to choose self love rather than codependency and self rejection as 'being pious and good' to fit in.
Hi Pri, thanks for letting me know this resonates. Your comment beautifully encapsulates so much. I love what you said about now being able to see, name, observe it in real time and detach from their projections and make new choices. It really does feel unfamiliar, and uncomfortable to begin doing this, almost like self-love is a form of being disloyal. But over time it does become second-nature. And that's where inner mothering work comes in. The inner child needs to know that she will survive making this new choice, and with the love of you, your adult self, she can cross that bridge into greater joy and freedom.
The musings over the injured pigeon are fascinating to me. I have a 10/10 intolerance to witnessing animals suffering (which makes pet health ups and downs very stressful), which my mother had too. With the help of therapy, I’ve come to see this as being linked to The Mother Wound. I attach myself completely and utterly to their suffering, which ultimately, serves no one. During an extremely difficult time in my life, my Mothers’ response was the same, she got to a point where she could no longer offer support because my suffering was far too distressing for her.
I also really appreciate the acknowledgment "For daughters who do the necessary inner healing work, it is unglamorous, private, and can be brutally slow-going." THIS has been my experience!
Thank you Bethany, for the ongoing, bite-sized revelations.
Thank you for sharing your response to the pigeon story! Yes, I've found it's very common for survivors to have an especially intense response to animal suffering, particularly as we begin coming into contact with the magnitude of how helpless and vulnerable we ourselves were as children.
When I first started therapy, I had recurring dreams for years of tortured animals and would wake up weeping. Over time, I came to understand that the animals had become symbolic carriers for my own grief. Animals are innocent, dependent, and rely completely on adults for their survival, just as children do. The dreams gave me access to a compassion for myself that I hadn't yet been able to feel directly.
As healing unfolds, I've found that something begins to shift. The symbol gradually moves from the animal back to oneself. We no longer only see victimhood; we begin to recognize dignity, resilience, and sovereignty in ourselves and in other living beings.
I do think that's different from what you describe about your mother's response. From what you've shared, it sounds less like honoring your sovereignty and more like having to distance herself from your pain because it overwhelmed her. Those are very different dynamics. I'm so glad the article resonated with you, and thank you for taking the time to share your experience here!
Yes! It’s as you said, the fact that animals are so innocent and dependent on humans, and then suffer at the hands of them that breaks me. Next step for me: recognising them in my dreams as symbols of my own grief and cultivating further self compassion. Many thanks 🙏
I realized that, in order to be happy and free, I had an unconscious need to obtain internal permission from my mother. As I progressed, I became aware that I hadn't embraced my own unique talents and worth, because they had been trivialized. I am now trying to rediscover and claim them. Your recent posts have deeply affected me; thank you for sharing them. I am currently practicing a course called *A Course in Miracles*. As I practice it, I have begun to feel that I am inherently worthy. The course fosters a sense of unity with the creative power—which acts as the ultimate authority—and it is truly an amazing feeling. Through this, my love for my mother has also begun to grow spontaneously. I believe that everything that happens in life works to our benefit. When viewed from the awareness of the creative energy within, one's perspective expands. Healing the wounds my mother inflicted—and their impact on my life—is setting me free. It allows me to find within myself those elevated feelings I had been unconsciously seeking since birth. I am not sure if I would have set out in search of these feelings had everything gone smoothly. As you said, these beautiful feelings await us within, like a treasure that surpasses everything else.
Dear Nesrin, your comment gave me goosebumps! It's wonderful to hear how you are finding your direct connection with the creative power and your inherent worth, and how this is re-shaping how you are seeing your mother. I also love what you said about not setting out to find these feelings if it all went smoothly. I truly believe that the Mother Wound can be like a portal to a profound connection with that creative power, with oneself, and all Life as we go through the healing process. I'm so happy you are feeling all of these things come together in this way. That is incredible. Sending you love and thanks so much for being here
Thank you for this, I so much feel every word in my bones. The punishment, the emotional abandonment, the “If I don’t own it, she can’t steal it from me.”
Thank you Agnes, I appreciate you taking the time to read, comment and let me know that it resonated. I'm sorry you also went through these things. And I hope it helps you feel less alone with it. Unforuntately so many women go through this and don't have the words for it. As we name it we can transform it.
Excellent article. It definitely caught my attention because it's exactly where I am in my relationship with my 86-year-old narcissistic mom.
I love her, of course, but I'm only now beginning to understand how much of myself I gave up just to stay connected to someone who never truly believed in me. For 49 years, she stood alongside my narcissistic, controlling father as they raised their children until he passed away from Alzheimer's.
Your article gave me a great deal to reflect on, and I truly appreciate you making it available to read.
I would genuinely love to subscribe and continue reading your Substack because your work resonates with me. Unfortunately, it's just not financially possible for me right now. I hope that changes someday, because I would love to support your work and continue learning from you.
Dear Kris, Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so glad the article resonated. I'm sorry you went through that. Having a narcissistic mom AND a controlling father as well. You must have incredible strength. It's difficult to uncover the painful truth about what we had to adapt to as kids, and so liberating as well. I appreciate your comment about subscribing. Right now all free subscribers get all my articles. IN case you want to explore more: Feel free to check out the free resources on my website including a free email course and a free eBook. There's an entire archive of my past articles on this topic as well, all available on my website here: www.bethanywebster.com. Much love and strength to you. Thanks again for being here!
I really appreciate your quick, compassionate reply, and thank you for pointing me to your website and the article related to this topic.
The more I learn about trauma and continue doing my own healing through the free articles, videos, and resources available, the more abandoned I find myself feeling by my family. It's a painful realization, but I'm grateful for the education because it's helping me better understand my own experiences.
I just wish money wasn't such a barrier to healing. I know I need more support, but right now access to therapy, memberships, and paid resources simply isn't realistic. Life has become so expensive that it often feels out of reach.
Thank you again for taking a moment to see me and respond. It meant more than you probably realize.
You're welcome Kris! I understand it can feel really hard, knowing that you need more support and not yet able to invest in it. I actually started out exactly the same way, learning as much as I could from free resources until I had the disposable income for paid resources later on. These days there seems to be more resources available than in the past and I hope you find just what you need. You got this! Much love! Bethany
Thank you. It does seem there are more free resources available than there used to be, and I'm grateful for that. At the same time, not every article or video shared by today's "experts" feels healthy or trustworthy. It seems like everyone is trying to become a paid influencer, sell a book, or build a following, and it can be incredibly difficult to discern what is genuinely helpful when you're navigating this journey alone.
For me, healing has become a rebirth of learning to trust my own inner voice again. I'm trying to bring that part of myself back into the fold—to let my intuition, my gut, and my growing understanding of what happened to me become the compass guiding me toward restorative health.
That's a tall order for someone to do alone, in my humble opinion. But for now, it's the only option I have.
thank you again for your time to see hear and respond to my vulknerabiliy with kindness. Kris
The timing for this is *chef’s kiss. I started your course in 2020 and never looked back, but since Jan this year I’ve been consciously & painfully battling with this. Every time I did something kind, competent or joyful, the old system still expected the hammer to drop and if external life didn’t deliver it, my inner critic supplied it. I can see now that it was all an effort to keep me safe, even though the critic was so cruel and chastising. Progress this year has been one step forward, two steps back, ad nauseam, yet I’ve been at least aware of the pattern the whole time. I realise now that the inner critic was just a young part trying to keep me small and safe before Mum stepped in. I really commend you and appreciate your new “undaunted” work coming. It’s a real blessing not only to benefit from all the resources you provide to get here, but now to have this map out of the maze and glimmers of light along the way. Thank you for all that you do and for who you continue to become Bethany. 🙏🏼
Dear Bethany 💜
I just wanted to thank you for this beautiful article.
Over the past few days, I’ve had a major realization about my relationship with my mother and my family : for much of my life, I unconsciously believed I had to keep suffering in order to stay emotionally connected to my mother.
Whenever I called her, I often felt compelled to tell her something was wrong with me (usually a health issue that I would even exaggerate or invent !). It was as if I needed to reassure her: « Look, Mom, I’m living my life away from you… but not too much, so don’t feel left behind ». I was carrying a deep sense of guilt about outgrowing my family’s suffering. It felt almost disloyal to aspire to be simply okay.
I also realized that when I shared a problem with my mother, I felt something I rarely experienced otherwise: her attention and in a way, her validation. Looking back, I unconsciously learned that my suffering was one of the safest way to stay emotionally connected to her.
Thank you for the depth and clarity you bring to this work. It is changing lives, including mine. I first enrolled in your online course back in 2019 and it opened the first door to my healing journey ✨
Dear Aida, Thanks so much for taking the time to read and leave a comment. You are having such powerful clarity about the dynamic with your mom. It's a wonderful thing to be conscious of something that felt vague, painful. And it can bring up the grief as well. It's so sad that so many of our mothers don't know how to connect with their daughters in the context of joy, celebration, and confidence. The good news is that we can fill that "mother gap" over time as the loving inner mother to the inner child. I'm so glad to hear your healing journey continues to deepen into new layers since joining the course. Sending you much love!
Oi,if I don't own it, she can't steal it from me is the way to describe my hiding and fear around my mother. When I shined in school, she stopped being helpful. When I got sober & told her, she said how could you do this to me. When I looked good, she shamed me.
Dear Jil, thank so much for your comment. It sounds like your mother indeed fit this pattern precisely. From what you shared, she saw your "up" as her "down". What's more, she appears to have felt entitled to your servitude and saw your shining or flourishing (and even healthy choices, like getting sober) as a devastating abandonment or personal attack on her as your mother. I'm so glad you can see it for what it is. That is really so important because we can see it's her own projected pain, not reality or the truth.
When I was in early sobriety my mother just commented: "But you’re not following the rules“ (because I drank nonalcoholic beer against old school AA dogma). This was when I visited her while she was in rehab for the second time for her own alcohol use disorder and after she had told me that she wouldn’t quit drinking "on special occasions“. It broke my codependent heart that she had no intention to recover and that I couldn’t save her even by being a role model for her. After that visit she basically disowned me and thereby gave me permission to go no contact and focus on my recovery.
Thank you, this feels very relevant to me. In hindsight I see how I actively demonized and sabotaged myself to be 'good' for such a long time. They saw it clearly, and encouraged it. But now that I can see, name and observe it in action, I can detach from their projections and choose differently. It feels very uncomfortable and unfamiliar to do so, each time, to choose self love rather than codependency and self rejection as 'being pious and good' to fit in.
Hi Pri, thanks for letting me know this resonates. Your comment beautifully encapsulates so much. I love what you said about now being able to see, name, observe it in real time and detach from their projections and make new choices. It really does feel unfamiliar, and uncomfortable to begin doing this, almost like self-love is a form of being disloyal. But over time it does become second-nature. And that's where inner mothering work comes in. The inner child needs to know that she will survive making this new choice, and with the love of you, your adult self, she can cross that bridge into greater joy and freedom.
Gosh this is such a powerful post, it is resonating so much. Thank you so much BW.
The musings over the injured pigeon are fascinating to me. I have a 10/10 intolerance to witnessing animals suffering (which makes pet health ups and downs very stressful), which my mother had too. With the help of therapy, I’ve come to see this as being linked to The Mother Wound. I attach myself completely and utterly to their suffering, which ultimately, serves no one. During an extremely difficult time in my life, my Mothers’ response was the same, she got to a point where she could no longer offer support because my suffering was far too distressing for her.
I also really appreciate the acknowledgment "For daughters who do the necessary inner healing work, it is unglamorous, private, and can be brutally slow-going." THIS has been my experience!
Thank you Bethany, for the ongoing, bite-sized revelations.
Thank you for sharing your response to the pigeon story! Yes, I've found it's very common for survivors to have an especially intense response to animal suffering, particularly as we begin coming into contact with the magnitude of how helpless and vulnerable we ourselves were as children.
When I first started therapy, I had recurring dreams for years of tortured animals and would wake up weeping. Over time, I came to understand that the animals had become symbolic carriers for my own grief. Animals are innocent, dependent, and rely completely on adults for their survival, just as children do. The dreams gave me access to a compassion for myself that I hadn't yet been able to feel directly.
As healing unfolds, I've found that something begins to shift. The symbol gradually moves from the animal back to oneself. We no longer only see victimhood; we begin to recognize dignity, resilience, and sovereignty in ourselves and in other living beings.
I do think that's different from what you describe about your mother's response. From what you've shared, it sounds less like honoring your sovereignty and more like having to distance herself from your pain because it overwhelmed her. Those are very different dynamics. I'm so glad the article resonated with you, and thank you for taking the time to share your experience here!
Oh wow, yes, in dreams too as you did!
Yes! It’s as you said, the fact that animals are so innocent and dependent on humans, and then suffer at the hands of them that breaks me. Next step for me: recognising them in my dreams as symbols of my own grief and cultivating further self compassion. Many thanks 🙏
I realized that, in order to be happy and free, I had an unconscious need to obtain internal permission from my mother. As I progressed, I became aware that I hadn't embraced my own unique talents and worth, because they had been trivialized. I am now trying to rediscover and claim them. Your recent posts have deeply affected me; thank you for sharing them. I am currently practicing a course called *A Course in Miracles*. As I practice it, I have begun to feel that I am inherently worthy. The course fosters a sense of unity with the creative power—which acts as the ultimate authority—and it is truly an amazing feeling. Through this, my love for my mother has also begun to grow spontaneously. I believe that everything that happens in life works to our benefit. When viewed from the awareness of the creative energy within, one's perspective expands. Healing the wounds my mother inflicted—and their impact on my life—is setting me free. It allows me to find within myself those elevated feelings I had been unconsciously seeking since birth. I am not sure if I would have set out in search of these feelings had everything gone smoothly. As you said, these beautiful feelings await us within, like a treasure that surpasses everything else.
Dear Nesrin, your comment gave me goosebumps! It's wonderful to hear how you are finding your direct connection with the creative power and your inherent worth, and how this is re-shaping how you are seeing your mother. I also love what you said about not setting out to find these feelings if it all went smoothly. I truly believe that the Mother Wound can be like a portal to a profound connection with that creative power, with oneself, and all Life as we go through the healing process. I'm so happy you are feeling all of these things come together in this way. That is incredible. Sending you love and thanks so much for being here
Thank you for this, I so much feel every word in my bones. The punishment, the emotional abandonment, the “If I don’t own it, she can’t steal it from me.”
🙏🏻
Thank you Agnes, I appreciate you taking the time to read, comment and let me know that it resonated. I'm sorry you also went through these things. And I hope it helps you feel less alone with it. Unforuntately so many women go through this and don't have the words for it. As we name it we can transform it.
Excellent article. It definitely caught my attention because it's exactly where I am in my relationship with my 86-year-old narcissistic mom.
I love her, of course, but I'm only now beginning to understand how much of myself I gave up just to stay connected to someone who never truly believed in me. For 49 years, she stood alongside my narcissistic, controlling father as they raised their children until he passed away from Alzheimer's.
Your article gave me a great deal to reflect on, and I truly appreciate you making it available to read.
I would genuinely love to subscribe and continue reading your Substack because your work resonates with me. Unfortunately, it's just not financially possible for me right now. I hope that changes someday, because I would love to support your work and continue learning from you.
Thank you for what you do.
— Kris
Dear Kris, Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so glad the article resonated. I'm sorry you went through that. Having a narcissistic mom AND a controlling father as well. You must have incredible strength. It's difficult to uncover the painful truth about what we had to adapt to as kids, and so liberating as well. I appreciate your comment about subscribing. Right now all free subscribers get all my articles. IN case you want to explore more: Feel free to check out the free resources on my website including a free email course and a free eBook. There's an entire archive of my past articles on this topic as well, all available on my website here: www.bethanywebster.com. Much love and strength to you. Thanks again for being here!
I really appreciate your quick, compassionate reply, and thank you for pointing me to your website and the article related to this topic.
The more I learn about trauma and continue doing my own healing through the free articles, videos, and resources available, the more abandoned I find myself feeling by my family. It's a painful realization, but I'm grateful for the education because it's helping me better understand my own experiences.
I just wish money wasn't such a barrier to healing. I know I need more support, but right now access to therapy, memberships, and paid resources simply isn't realistic. Life has become so expensive that it often feels out of reach.
Thank you again for taking a moment to see me and respond. It meant more than you probably realize.
Kris
You're welcome Kris! I understand it can feel really hard, knowing that you need more support and not yet able to invest in it. I actually started out exactly the same way, learning as much as I could from free resources until I had the disposable income for paid resources later on. These days there seems to be more resources available than in the past and I hope you find just what you need. You got this! Much love! Bethany
Thank you. It does seem there are more free resources available than there used to be, and I'm grateful for that. At the same time, not every article or video shared by today's "experts" feels healthy or trustworthy. It seems like everyone is trying to become a paid influencer, sell a book, or build a following, and it can be incredibly difficult to discern what is genuinely helpful when you're navigating this journey alone.
For me, healing has become a rebirth of learning to trust my own inner voice again. I'm trying to bring that part of myself back into the fold—to let my intuition, my gut, and my growing understanding of what happened to me become the compass guiding me toward restorative health.
That's a tall order for someone to do alone, in my humble opinion. But for now, it's the only option I have.
thank you again for your time to see hear and respond to my vulknerabiliy with kindness. Kris
The timing for this is *chef’s kiss. I started your course in 2020 and never looked back, but since Jan this year I’ve been consciously & painfully battling with this. Every time I did something kind, competent or joyful, the old system still expected the hammer to drop and if external life didn’t deliver it, my inner critic supplied it. I can see now that it was all an effort to keep me safe, even though the critic was so cruel and chastising. Progress this year has been one step forward, two steps back, ad nauseam, yet I’ve been at least aware of the pattern the whole time. I realise now that the inner critic was just a young part trying to keep me small and safe before Mum stepped in. I really commend you and appreciate your new “undaunted” work coming. It’s a real blessing not only to benefit from all the resources you provide to get here, but now to have this map out of the maze and glimmers of light along the way. Thank you for all that you do and for who you continue to become Bethany. 🙏🏼